nightlife

I've had countless nights of not being able to get to sleep.  Yep, it is 12:30 am and I'm still awake, restless, so many thoughts going through my head.  I'm not sure what it is that keeps me awake most nights.  Maybe a combination of things.  I have no distractions after Aly goes to bed.  The creaky floors in the apartment above sound like they are in the next room.  The lack of tv in the bedroom to put me to sleep.  Could be a lot of things, but mainly I think the quiet darkness gives ample time to think.  This week I've been thinking about the phrase, "God never gives you more than you can handle."  Where did that phrase come from?  I've got to admit here, that I am not a very religious person.  I do believe there is a higher power and I do pray and believe that prayers are answered in some shape or form.  But I've been questioning a lot lately.  Not so much because I feel overwhelmed, I think I'm handling things quite well.  I think about Aly and what she has had to handle.  This week, all the lovely hair that had started to finally grow on Aly's head has fallen out again.  This week, she has had days where she is extremely tired.  Her blood counts are low and she's had some vomiting and an upset stomach.  She's back to not wanting to eat and is loosing the pounds she just gained.  I thought we were past all that!  The nurse asked her if she has been taking a side of chemo while she's been here.  No, it is not normal for her counts to be low although they say her "blood chemistry is good" and they don't feel they need to treat it.  It is not typical for a patient to loose all their hair, typically it is just where the beam goes in.  So, Aly continues to be the rare beautiful bird we've come to know.  She's been the odds breaker all along, having the rare complications, the rare reactions to things.  I keep praying that she will somehow have the odds go in her favor on something!  It is hard to know how much these things bother her.  She doesn't like to share what's on her mind.  She gets upset when Kevin and I continue to ask her questions about how she's feeling or what we can do for her.  There is a lot of quiet around here lately.
Now, don't get me wrong...Aly and I are also making the most of our time here, when she is feeling up to doing things.  We've enjoyed exploring all that NE Florida has to offer.  We were talking today about how we don't have a lot of time left here and we still have things we want to do.  Unfortunately, the weather is not going to cooperate this week.  There is a storm system that is supposed to dump a lot of rain for the next several days.  So, we'll have to find activities indoors I think. 
All I have to say tonight, (or is it morning)...is CANCER SUCKS.  I have been sitting here thinking of a word or phrase for each letter in cancer sucks, yes that is honestly what is going through my head tonight.  Just so many thoughts related to the lack of normality in our lives right now. 
Please continue to send mail.  Aly has been enjoying the visits to the mailbox as have I.  Also keep Aly in your thoughts and prayers.  Thank you!